just sittng in my room. alone. thinking. today was really hard. it was my cousins bridal shower. which is weird enough. but seeing how much my family has aged. so much time has passed that i wasted disconnected from them all. i feel bad. everyone all got along so well and i felt like i did not belong. boo. anyways, been trying to spend alot more time with conor. me and brian are on a day to day type thing at this point. I love him so much and i got back with him because i wanted to. But god. He has become alot more controlling than he was before. I wonder if he wants what is best for me or if he gets satisfaction out of telling me what to do and giving me so many rules. I left my family early becauce of him. I hope i do not wake up 5 years from now wondering why. I hope i am making the right decisions. I was wondering earlier about my mom. Sometimes i know i can feel her watching me and i bet she is so dis appointed in me. I mean if she really does see everything i do it is a scary thought. I do not want to meet up with her again one day and her be mad. Heh. Sounds weird but you think about weird stuff when you lose someone that close. Freaky. I do not know things are just weird right now..in between jobs. Do not really know what i am doing from one min to the next. So many things to balance and keep control of. Dealing with a husband that seems like i am losing connection with. I do not know i will give things time. Hopefully something breaks soon.
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